It has been a while since my last post, I know the grandparents are wanting to see pictures of their little angel. I have just been in somewhat of a fog lately and I am struggling to find my way out. It all culminated at the end of February. Feb. 28 marked a year since my sister’s death, and that brought a lot of pain with it. Pain that, frankly, I have not dealt with all year. I have been containing it so that I wouldn’t lose my mind, so that I could take care of Ansley and get through the day. I’m hurting just as much today as I was a year ago and that sort of surprised me. I thought that it would be better a year out. Unfortunately, it is not. What compounds my sadness, is coincidentally, something that is bringing me much happiness. We found out that we are having a little girl! I’m so excited to meet her, I can’t wait!! I wanted Ansley to have a sister so badly, and now she will. I am so happy that she gets to have the bond that I had with my sister. The weird thing is, I am heartbroken at the same time. I want my sister here so badly! When I was pregnant with Ansley she would be so excited to feel my belly, she would call me practically everyday to see how I feel, and she would talk about all the things that she wanted to do with “the little b”. I am missing those moments so badly right now. I want to hear her voice over the phone, I want to feel her hand on my belly! I want my sister. I only hope that these little girls will know how special it is to have a sister, and that they will have these moments together.
Grief is a funny thing, in fact it is a lot like parenting. No one ever teaches you how to do either. You kind of have to just figure it out as you go. Unfortunately, I am a slow learner when it comes to grief. I want to lose it so that I can get it out, but at the same time I’m afraid that if I start I won’t ever stop. In the past few weeks I have made the decision to finally talk to someone. I don’t want this to be a black cloud over me any more. I will think of my sister everyday for the rest of my life, I will have good days and then there will be bad days. I know this now. However, I don’t want to be sad for the rest of my life, waiting for the bottle to explode that is inside my chest. I want to be 100% for my girls and my husband, but how do I do that? As Kathleen Kelly says in You’ve Got Mail, “I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So, goodnight dear void.”
I promise I’ll post pictures ASAP. Just a little explanation of where I’ve been.
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